Proof Positive

I've shared with you over the years the dumb things I've done that have made me laugh out loud. Like that time I left my car parked on the street in front of my hair salon for two hours. With the engine running. I was soooo confused when I got in and the radio was already playing and the car was toasty warm inside. Below are a couple more "incidents" that my children can use against me when they think it's time for me to receive "better care." It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel. All laid out nice and tidy.

I may have already shared these stories on Facebook. If I have, consider this particular retelling to be Exhibit A.

Exhibit A:

Repeats stories over and over and over.

Exhibit B:

I lose my phone in my house several times a day unless I'm wearing an apron. I wear an apron all the time because I am a spiller. Also, I have found that apron pockets act as holsters for my phone (which I must have nearby 24/7 for no good reason) and my Invisalign braces (which I remove often during the day because I'm a snacker).

Last year Santa gave me an Apple watch. I wasn't sure that it would prove to be very useful to me until my son pointed out a particularly brilliant feature. That boss watch can ping my phone! As I search about the house, I can hear my phone dinging louder and louder as I get warmer and warmer in the hunt. It's right up there with clap-on lights as far as I'm concerned. Clap on!! Clap off!!

Well, on this particular day, I began to tap the little Find My Phone icon on my watch while I was standing in my kitchen. My phone pinged so loudly that I figured it must be face down somewhere on one of my kitchen counters. The phone case color becomes camouflage when paired with our granite.

I slowly walked around the kitchen pinging like a steady pulse. I leaned my head sideways to look across the counter surfaces to see if there was anything sticking up the height of my phone. This method also works well when one is trying to find one's Invisalign braces which have been carelessly cast down on the counter when a graham cracker needs to be immediately consumed. Invisalign is synonymous with invisible.

That phone was nowhere to be found. I began to grow agitated. Where. Was. My. Freakin'. Phone. I looked in the dishwasher and the refrigerator. I mean...it was totally in the realm of possibility. Nothing.

I stood very still listening for tiny nuances in the echolocation pinging so close and yet so far away. After a couple more dings, I figured out the mystery.

My phone was in my apron pocket. It had been on my person the whole time. I roared with laughter.

Exhibit C:

One bright morning a few weeks ago, I loaded my car with errand stuff - Homegoods returns (there is a steady flow to and from that store), clothes to be dropped off at the cleaners, Hershey bars for Meems, and the like. I closed my car door and slipped my iPhone into its dashboard cradle with one hand as I pushed the starter button on my car. I could hear a slight rumbling, but the control panel wasn't lighting up. I pushed once...twice...thrice...and continued to hear a bit of strange rumbling. Ugh. Car trouble.

I took a deep breath and tried the button one more time. Just then I saw a bit of movement in my rearview window. It actually kind of scared me. Something in my garage had moved. Then, the light dawned in my dimming brain and I saw it.

My garage door was going up a few inches and then down. Up. Down.

Up. Down.

I had been pushing the wrong button. The garage door opener was securely affixed to the visor which is nowhere near the car's ignition button. It hadn't even registered in my brain that I had been reaching up to start the car.

When I put the pieces together - wrong button...garage door...car no-start-y... - I felt a sudden rush of fear surge through my fuzzy brain. Is this how it begins? Is my purse in the freezer? Am I wearing appropriate undergarments? Ugh.

.............................................

Meems and Aunt Wanda used to visit over cups of coffee at our kitchen table for hours on end. On a regular basis one of them would tell about something dumb they'd done that week, and they laughed until tears rolled down their sweet pink cheeks. The best part was when the one relating the incident would get so tickled in the middle of the story that we all started laughing before we even got to the "punch line." Kathy, Sherry (my cousin) and I loved to sit with them listening to funny stories and tidbits of gossip. The bittersweet smell of coffee enveloped us as we rode the waves of laughter. I miss those moments with Meems and Wanda.

Come join me for a cup of tea in my kitchen. Let's share stories of our foibles, forgetfulness, and times of utter confusion. Let's laugh until tears stream down our faces.

Or, until our kids come and haul us off to assisted living.